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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26704858">pathetic</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxlesstial/pseuds/cxlesstial'>cxlesstial</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Donatello (TMNT) Needs a Hug, Donatello and Leonardo (TMNT) are Twins, Emotional Baggage, Gen, I feel so bad for him, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, like a really long hug, my poor baby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:13:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,231</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26704858</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxlesstial/pseuds/cxlesstial</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You,” Donnie declares sagely, looking at his reflection with a tired, dead-to-the-world expression in the relative privacy that the bathroom offered him, “are pathetic.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i personally see this more w the rise boys so um</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You,” Donnie declares sagely, looking at his reflection with a tired, dead-to-the-world expression in the relative privacy that the bathroom offered him, “are <em> pathetic</em>.”  </p><p>And he is. He’s so, so pathetic. He feels the dangerous thoughts creep through him everytime he blinked. Horrible, horrible thoughts. Thoughts that he <em> wouldn’t </em> act on, he <em> wouldn’t</em>, he swears! He’s better than that, he <em> needs </em> to be better than that. He wouldn’t take his own life. He -</p><p>He couldn’t, couldn’t hurt himself again, he <em> can’t </em> - he was already a month clean! Wasn’t that insane? He’d been clean for maybe five months before that, and that was even cooler, that he’d managed to last for such a long time, and he was so angry with himself for relapsing but it was okay, he was doing <em> okay</em>, why were the urges still there?</p><p>And if his family found out that he’s...done it? That he’s taken a blade to his wrists, to the ligament right below his left knee, hiding his sobs under the hot water of the shower and pretending afterwards that his droopy, swollen eyes were due to staying up all night in the lab, or hell! Even <em> allergies</em>, his family would believe anything. </p><p>Anything but the truth. <em> Anything </em> but the truth. They’d stare at him with broken, sad expressions if they knew. Like he was some kind of wounded animal, like he <em> needed their fucking pity</em>, like like <em> like</em>,</p><p>God, he was pathetic. So pathetic. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did he have to have these horrible, plaguing, fear-gripping intrusive thoughts, why did he have to think so much in the first place like <em> shut the fuck UP already i know im a failure i know it juststoppp </em></p><p>He isn't enough. He’ll never be enough. Not enough for April, not enough for his father, not enough for his brothers, not enough for anyone. He’s good with tech, so fucking what? He was unmotivated nowadays anyway, turning his attention to things that weren’t nearly as important but demanded his attention like it was some sort of competition. </p><p>He was a failure. And it was his own fault. He’s sorry, he’s so sorry, but that’s all he is anymore. Sorry. He’s sorry. It’s such a stupid fucking word but that’s all he can offer his reflection as the tears fall down his face, <em> again</em>, tracing a path down his cheeks in a memorized pattern. </p><p>“Oi! Dee, you done yet? Come on, man, I gotta <em> go</em>,” whines a voice outside the bathroom, and Donnie starts, scrubbing furiously at his eyes before flushing the toilet, turning on the water to fool his brother.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll - I’ll be right out,” Donnie promises Mikey through the door as he sticks his hands under the stream. He pulls his purple hoodie over his head, tightening the drawstrings just a bit and stuffing his hands into the pockets. Opening the door, he meets Mikey’s eyes reluctantly, which widened as Donnie finally leaves the bathroom.</p><p>“Woah, dude, you good? You look like the purple Darth Vader,” his orange banded brother steps a bit closer, but Donnie laughs and takes a step back, clenching one of his hands into a fist as he struggles to get out of this situation.</p><p>“I’m fine. Just...allergies.”</p><p>Mikey’s disbelieving expression makes Donnie freeze. Shit, maybe his family wouldn’t believe <em> everything </em> he said. “Dee, we’ve been living in these sewers our entire <em> lives, </em>what would you be allergic to -</p><p>“I thought you wanted to go to the bathroom, Mike,” Donnie says, already backing away and turning on his heels, heading down the hallway and <em> away </em> from this conversation. “I have things to do. See you at dinner.”</p><p>And that’s hilarious, because as soon as he gets back to his lab he feels different. Lighter. A bit better than two minutes ago. His moods just...switched. Like a light. Donnie sighs as he drags himself into his lab, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it, curling two of his fingers and pushing them against his closed eyes. Thinking. </p><p>What could he work on? There were the vehicles, he could try and update the weapon stock...maybe he could improve security? It was pretty good already, but it could <em> always </em> be better, and going over the code and patching bugs didn’t sound <em> too </em> hard right now…</p><p>Exhaling faintly, he sits down in a chair and opens his laptop, opening different web pages and programs and preparing to get to work, and -</p><p>“<em>Donnie</em>!” a voice interrupts, and Donnie startles so hard he nearly falls off his chair. Milliseconds later Leo pokes his head into his lab and Donnie wants to throw something at him. Couldn’t they all just leave him alone for <em> ten </em> whole seconds -</p><p>“What is it?” Donnie asks languidly. </p><p>“It’s dinnertime,” Leo opens the door wider, watching Donnie blink in surprise. </p><p>“Dinnertime? But I just sat down…” he mumbles as he turns to look at his computer, wondering why the screen was dark. Pressing a button, he looks at the time and swallows. 6:16PM.</p><p>He’s been sitting at his desk for four hours, doing <em> nothing</em>. </p><p>“I did it again,” Donnie murmurs to himself, almost disbelievingly. He spaced out, and the whole day got away from him. Four hours. Four whole <em> hours</em>. Four whole hours of <em> wasted time.  </em></p><p>“Did what again?” Leo asks curiously, still over by the door. </p><p>Donnie shakes his head, pulling himself out of his trance. “It’s nothing. I’ll be right there,” he manages to get out, flat out <em> ignoring </em> Leo’s raised eyebrows and look of disbelief. “Go away, Leo, why are you just standing there? Quit babying me, I can get to the kitchen by myself.”</p><p>“Donnie, <em> what </em> - I’m not babying you?...Are you <em> okay</em>?” </p><p>“I’m <em> fine</em>, just...I’m fine. I’ll be there in a second, okay?” Donnie didn’t want to yell at his brothers, they were ignorant to his... <em> situation </em> but he knew they cared about him. He swallows as he makes hesitant eye contact with his brother, knowing that if Leo really tried, he <em> could </em> get Donnie to talk.</p><p>But Leo just nods, looking like he wanted to say more, but closed the door and left the genius alone once again. Luck was on his side tonight.</p><p>Donnie groans, dropping his head on his desk and huffing through his nose as he stares at the desk centimetres away from his eyes. What was <em> wrong </em> with him? </p><p>Dinner. He could get through dinner. It was easy! Just sit and talk about mundane things with his family members and pretend he was completely fine and who was he kidding that was the hardest thing in the whole <em> world </em> especially since Leo <em> and </em> Mikey were already suspicious he wasn’t going to get far they were going to find out they were going to <em> find out </em> - </p><p>- he could just tell them he was sick! He had a really bad headache...no, even better! His stomach was <em> killing </em> him and oh no he couldn’t eat pizza (it was <em> always </em> fucking pizza, they needed new dinner options) with his family oh <em> noo </em> -</p><p>Nope, nevermind. That wouldn’t work either. His family would see through it in a second. He definitely wasn’t the best liar, that was more of Leo’s and Raph’s field. Sighing for what felt like the umpteenth time, Donnie forces himself away from the desk and towards the door, wincing as his limbs popped from a four hours’ disuse. </p><p>A family dinner? Sounded like the equivalent of a horror story at this point. </p><p>
  <em> Pathetic. Maybe if you didn’t have all of these issues, maybe if you just bothered to talk to them, maybe they’d understand. Such a coward, Donatello. So, so pathetic.  </em>
</p><p>Donnie grits his teeth as he slams the lab door behind him, stalking down the lair in the direction of the kitchen. He’s got this. He can handle dinner! Just two slices, maybe ten minutes. Then he’d be in the safety of the lab again.</p><p>The conversation in the kitchen tapers off immediately as soon as he reaches the room and as he meets his brothers' apprehensive, worried gazes Donnie realizes that he does <em> not</em>, not in the <em> slightest</em>, have this situation under control.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey um</p><p>im not having the best time rn so i wrote this to get it out of my system im kinda sad and stressed and thats my fault because ive procrastinated on school for such a long time and im v behind and my gpa is gonna suffer and like i dont even know if i care anymore?? im tired of living in a pandemic im tired of online school i love my family but im tired of them a lot of the time too im just so tired :((</p><p>aghh i know yall just came for the fic not for my tragic villain origin story HLERWPRSE im sorry </p><p>me torturing donnie with my own issues was NOT fun in the slightest but i feel a bit better :(( </p><p>if uve relapsed recently or ur struggling rn please i love u so so much please hang in there i love u ur so important</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>He swears that question will be the death of him. Okay was such a stupid word, right next to ‘sorry’ and ‘i’m fine’. What does it mean to be doing okay? Did his family think that him being ‘okay’ was parading around sarcastically, boasting about how much better he was than everyone because he was so <em> smart </em> and his tech was so <em> fantastic</em>? </p><p>“I’m fine,” Donnie says at the entrance to the kitchen, rolling his eyes. For their sake, not his. It gave him no normalcy; just gave him the feeling that he was wearing a mask to fool his family. All he wants to do is scream. “Sorry.” </p><p>“Ohoho, Donnie apologizing. Must be serious!” Raph grins toothily as Donnie drags himself farther into the room, sitting down at a stool. “What’d ya do this time, Dee? Blow something up? Cause a riot? Get April fired -</p><p><em> No, Raph, I didn’t do any of those things. I did, however, cry in the bathroom for half an hour and spend the </em> <b> <em>NEXT</em> </b> <em> four hours doing nothing but you wouldn’t want to hear that at all, would you? Nooo you wouldn’t not at all because everything’s always peachy in Raph town - </em></p><p>“I’ve just...got a headache. And I feel sick. Ish. So I’m probably going to bed early,” Donnie grumbles, reaching for a pizza slice to continue his two minute streak of playing keep-his-brothers-off-his-back. </p><p>“Aww, <em> nooooo</em>!” Mikey throws his head back and groans dramatically, earning nothing more than an annoyed quirked eye-ridge from Don. “We were <em> gonna </em> do a Jupiter Jim marathon and you’ll totally miss out!” </p><p>“Michael, I’ve seen those movies, what, nearly twenty times by now?” Donnie forces himself to roll his eyes again even though he’s actually starting to get a headache. Wow, maybe he wasn’t a complete liar. “Grab me the Tylenol, will you, oh dear brother of mine?” </p><p>Leo huffs but does as he’s asked, abandoning his pizza slice for the medicine cabinet. Seconds later the pill container is thrown at him, and Donnie catches it, untwisting the cap easily and popping two pills into his calloused  hands. He throws his head back, swallowing them, and finishes his pizza slice. Maybe now they’ll leave him alone. </p><p>Okay, one more. He’s got this. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not.</p><p>The pizza literally tastes like cardboard. Not that Donnie has anything against cardboard, of course. Cardboard is great! </p><p>He gets it down, though. “Wow,” he starts, interrupting their shared silence. “That was <em> so</em>, so good,” he lies, wondering if he should say anything else. “Bye,” he offers as the grand finale, and promptly leaves the room. </p><p>Nailed it. </p><p>-</p><p>“Donnie is acting weird.” Leo states the obvious seconds after their purple banded brother has left. “<em>Really </em> weird.”</p><p>“Whaddaya mean by ‘weird’?” Raph asks, confused. “He’s acting like he usually is.”</p><p>“He spent a long time in the bathroom,” Mikey points out. “Donnie <em> never </em> spends a long time in the bathroom. That’s Leo’s job.”</p><p>“Wha - <em> hey</em>, excuse me!”</p><p>“Okay, maybe he’s doing something in there. That...takes a long time. Plucking his eyebrows.”</p><p>“Raph, those are <em> drawn </em> on.”</p><p>“Maybe he’s drawing them on, then.”</p><p>Mikey sighs. Leo, despite the worry he felt for his twin, has to chuckle at that. But his smile instantly melts off when he remembers the lost look Donnie had adopted when he stared at his computer screen. Did <em> what </em> again? Why was he so snappy and defensive, and the way he just - sat here, pretending - oh yeah, it was definitely <em> pretending </em> - to be his completely normal, arrogant, carefree self. </p><p>Leo didn’t like it. There was something <em> wrong</em>. But what was it? </p><p>“I’ll be back,” Leo stands, ignoring Raph’s and Mikey’s confused questions. Leo had the awful, awful feeling that leaving Donnie alone is a mistake they can’t really afford to make.</p><p>-</p><p>Oh, he’s fine. So fine. He -</p><p>Was a liar. A condescending, pathological liar. Pathetic is quickly becoming his new favorite word. Because it applies to him. Because it’s applied to him for as long as he can remember. Pathetic.</p><p>He’s back in his new favorite place. Staring, <em> glaring </em> at the mirror of the bathroom. Stupid. So stupid. He’s stupid. And lazy. And he can’t do <em> anything </em> right. He’s a failure. Pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>Pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh, just do it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You know you want to, </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You need to!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You deserve it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> it’s all your fault. everything. your family can’t stand you. you can’t even stand yourself! you’re indolent, all you have to offer the team is your tech. and it’s not even good, reliable tech, either. the amount of flaws in it are endless. ENDLESS. you’ll never be anything with your attitude, you’ll never amount to anything with the issues you have </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> pathetic  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> april cant stand you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> pathetic </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> mikey would never tell you but you KNOW he hates you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> pathetic.. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> raph can’t depend on you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> pathetic! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> leo wishes he had anyone else for a twin </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> PATHETIC </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> splinter is ASHAMED TO HAVE YOU AS A SON</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He’s reaching for the blade before he can stop himself.</p><p>-</p><p>“Donnie?” Leo calls, knocking on his brother’s lab door. He waits a beat. No response. Hesitating, Leo pushes open the door a bit, hoping he wasn’t about to get his head sliced clean off by an exploding microwave or something. </p><p>Nothing. He wasn’t in here. If he was Leo’s sure he would have gotten yelled at by now. </p><p>Did Donnie leave the lair? Maybe he went to go see April...well, it was worth a try. He grabs his phone and pulls open his chats.</p><p> </p><p><em> leon</em>: <em> heyyy apes </em> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> apriloneil: hiya leo </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> leon: is donnie w you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> leon: somethings off abt him and he’s not in the lab </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> apriloneil: no i haven’t seen him around here, sorry  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> apriloneil: i hope you find him!! ill spam him with cat gifs until he answers </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> leon: thx april love u &lt;3 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Leo sighs, twirling his ribbon in one of his fingers. Where else could he have gone -</p><p>Oh. The bathroom. Fuck, he’s dumb. </p><p>He makes it across the lair and to the bathroom, not knowing if he should feel relieved or not by seeing the closed door. He’s ready to go knock, but a noise inside makes him hesitate. Frowning, Leo leans his head against the wood and closes his eyes, concentrating. </p><p>And when he hears the sob his worst fears are just further confirmed. Something’s wrong. </p><p>“Donnie,” Leo says as he knocks, wriggling the doorknob. The noises inside cut off immediately, followed by the water turning on and off, and then there’s a huge crash. Eyes wide, Leo tangles with the doorknob harder, even though it was <em> locked </em> and the only way to get in would be for Donnie to open the door or to break the entire door down. “Donnie, let me <em> in </em>, come on man -</p><p>“I’m fine, Leo, just go away,” Donnie says through the door, and he has the nerve to try and sound like his robotic, sarcastic self, even though Leo could clearly hear the terror in his voice. </p><p>“Stop saying that, I <em> know </em> you aren’t okay! Open the <em> door</em>, Donnie!” Leo starts panicking, doesn’t know why he’s panicking or how to <em> stop </em> panicking, all he knows is that he needs to see his brother <em> right now</em>. Something was terribly wrong. </p><p>“Go away!” Donnie repeats, sounding angrier, sounding more terrified. “Go <em> away </em> - </p><p>“Donnie!” Leo yells, kicking the door now. “<em>Donnie </em> -</p><p>“Leo?” and suddenly Mikey and Raph are there, too, eyeing Leo like he was insane. “What’s happening, why are you -</p><p>“Raph!” Leo exclaims, cutting off his sentence quickly. “It's Donnie! He’s in there, you have to help me get him out. He’s not <em> okay</em>, Raph -</p><p>“Leo, Leo, calm down,” Raph pats one of his shoulders with his abnormally massive hands, probably thinking Leo was overreacting. Like Leo would overreact over something like this. “Let’s just wait for him to come out -</p><p>“Raph. <em> Break the door down. </em> ” Leo growls, suddenly fed up. Raph still stares, doing nothing, and Leo finally snaps. “<em>BREAK THE FUCKING DOOR DOWN, RAPH!” </em></p><p>Donnie screams from inside the bathroom, begging them to <em> not </em> come in and Raph and Mikey are <em> finally </em> getting that stupefied look off their faces and it’s taking too long its taking <em> too long </em>-</p><p>But Raph acts quickly, pushing past Leo and reaching, grabbing the knob and twisting, pulling so hard the lock <em> shatters </em> and the door swings open, swings open and Donnie -</p><p>Donnie’s sitting in front of the door, back pressed against the cabinet, knees to his chest. The mirror is in shatters, broken glass littering the sink and the floor and Donnie’s sobbing, and that’s not even the worst part he’s got a <em> razor blade </em> trapped between his fingers and there’s cuts all over his arms, all over his legs, everywhere everywhere <em> everywhere </em> there’s just so much <em> blood </em> -</p><p>“Donnie,” Leo can’t breathe, tears welling up in his eyes as he drops to his knees, utterly traumatized. He can barely focus on his other brother’s reactions, on Raph’s wail or Mikey’s scream, he feels like he was pulled underwater as he takes in his brother's broken form.</p><p>“I’m s-sorry,” Donnie manages to meet Leo’s eyes, tears trailing down his cheeks, both of their cheeks. He can’t even speak, he can’t even breathe, it’s so hard, “Leo, <em> please</em>, I can’t, not anymore - I can’t do this, I can’t, it’s too much, I <em> can’t </em> -</p><p>“Donnie…” Leo sobs as he crawls forward, towards his brother, not feeling the broken glass pricking his skin, not hearing anything Raph was shouting, not minding the bloody palms as he reaches his brother, pulls him into an embrace, wishing that if he just held him tight enough this would all go away. Donnie grips him, making loud, convulsive gasps into his shoulder, and Leo feels numb. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Donnie cries into his shoulder, and Leo just holds him tighter. “Please don’t leave me, <em> please don’t leave me </em> -</p><p>“Never, Donnie,” Leo promises sadly, burying his face into Donnie’s neck and suddenly feeling so, so exhausted. How could he not have known? How did he not realize it was this bad? Leo and Donnie fought 24/7 over the dumbest, most useless shit ever, but they were the <em> closest</em>. It was a twin thing! It's <em> his </em> fault, Leo realizes, tears dripping off his chin and still pouring from his eyes. He should have noticed. He should have <em> been </em> there.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Leo manages to get out. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Donnie’s quiet, sitting on one of the bean bags in the living room. He’s detached, staring sullenly at nothing while his brothers stood nearby, discussing in low voices. </p><p>“It’s my fault,” Leo’s telling Raph and Mikey, easygoing expressions completely evaporated under the stress of this - of Donnie. “I should have noticed that it was this bad - I should have -</p><p>“What you need to stop doing is blaming yourself, Leo.” Raph says gently, pulling his brother closer. Mikey nods in agreement. “If you wanna play it like that, you can blame all of us. We should of <em> all</em>...realized a lot sooner -</p><p>“All of you. Stop blaming yourselves, period,” Donnie interrupts, causing them all to look over at him, startled. Donnie’s still not meeting their gaze, but he’s got at least a bit of that old familiar look spilled across his features. Compared to the way they’d watched him break down nearly half an hour earlier, seeing that annoyed expression like it had never left is both comforting and disturbing. “I was hiding it for a reason - <em> this </em>reason. You see me differently, now, don’t you? I’m weak in your eyes. I’m - I’m pathetic,” he slumps, devastated. “A let down. And I shouldn’t be on the team.”</p><p>“Donnie, that’s <em> not </em> true. It’s so fucking far from the truth it’s outta the ballpark, and you know it. You’re more than enough for us, you always have been,” Leo detaches from the group to go kneel by his older twin, forcing Donnie’s gaze on him and only him. “Listen to me. You just needa - fuck, Don, we got that bathroom door open and all I could see was <em> you</em>. Not your contributions to the team. You aren’t a letdown, you’re my brother. My family.”</p><p>“I <em> know</em>,” Donnie exclaims miserably. “But I don’t - <em> can’t </em> see that, I can’t - </p><p>And tears are welling up in his eyes, and Leo’s got him as he falls apart again, Raph and Mikey coming forward to complete them. Like they always have, like they always will. “We’ll help you see it, Dee.” Mikey promises, nuzzling into his brother’s neck. </p><p>He knows that nothing’s magically fixed. It wasn't realistic in the least. But there in that room, with the three of them so accepting and close and still <em> there</em>, even though blood had still been dripping out of the cuts on his wrists twenty minutes before and Leo could barely breathe through the clogged emotion in his throat as he fought to wrap them up, it - he - </p><p>He could do this, right? His brothers would be there to catch him, bottom line. </p><p>-</p><p>He’s sprawled with April over a few beanbags the next time it happens. She’s absentmindedly rubbing his shell as they watch the movie, Raph and Mikey’s excited whispering over the plot, Leo lightly kicking him in the shin as he passes to go to the bathroom, and Donnie’s so content with them all, beginning to drop off as the scene on the television cools down from its crazy action scene, and -</p><p>And he feels it. The little nagging at the back of his mind, getting louder the longer he staves it off. Words, words he once desperately listened too but he tried to ignore now and -</p><p>What was he doing, sitting there? Relaxing when there’s work to be done? He’s still not any closer to figuring out how to capture the missing Oozequitos without Big Mama’s webbing, he’s not any closer to figuring how to stop the Foot from bringing Shredder back with the armor, he’s - got - <em> so </em>much to do, what - </p><p>“M’gonna go, be back s-soon,” Donnie mumbles sleepily, extracting himself from April’s oh-so-relaxing rubs, scrubbing tiredly at his eyes and missing the raised eyebrows his best friend sends him. When he opens them he catches her look and sighs. “Science never takes a - a <em> break</em>, ‘Pril - </p><p>“Uhhuh <em> yeah</em>, no. You can barely keep your eyes open, Dee. Get back over here,” she points threateningly at the space he’d abandoned, and he <em> really </em> wants too, but he can’t, his mind was right, he needed to go and do work and - and - “What’s wrong, Donnie?” she asks when he says nothing, only continues to stare at her with that blank expression. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“S’stupid, y’know. Just. ‘ve gotta go,” he tries to stand, but Leo comes out of nowhere and knocks him right back down. Before Donnie can protest Leo falls down on the little bit of April/Donnie-free space of the bean bags and throws his legs over Donnie’s own legs, pinning him down.</p><p>“It’s your mind again, isn’t it?” Leo asks bluntly, and without waiting for Donnie’s answer he raps his knuckles against his twin’s forehead gently. “Get out of there, Donnie’s weird thoughts.” he pauses for emphasis, grinning winningly at his brother. “Did it work?”</p><p>Donnie checks, surprised to see that the voices had actually quieted. “I think...they were scared from your ugly face.”</p><p>“Mmm, yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Leo rolls his eyes as April snickers. “Back to relaxing, Dee,” And, lowering his voice so only he could hear, Leo continues. “Tell me if you need anything, ‘kay? Anything at all.”</p><p>Donnie covertly nods, scooting over so Leo could indulge in the bean-bag nest they’ve made, ignoring the blooming warmth in his stomach as well as the indignant squawk Leo makes when April rubs Donnie’s shell instead of his. “Favoritism,” Leo mutters, and April slaps his shell with an annoyed grumble before doing the same to him. Donnie lets his eyes fall closed and the sounds from the movie wash over his head. </p><p>-</p><p>Donnie can’t get out of bed. He’s tried every trick in the book, from threats to promises to bribes - and he’s <em> cried</em>, yeah, maybe a little longer than he’d wanted to admit, and he doesn’t <em> want </em> to spend all day in bed but his legs are like jello and he’s really, really <em> tired </em> and -</p><p>“Dee?” Mikey’s next to him, and Donnie startles. His brother is standing at the side of his bed, staring down at him worriedly, and Donnie wants to say something to get that nervous-anxious-<em>scared </em> look off his face, because it’s been a couple of weeks since they’ve found him in that bathroom and he thinks he’s getting better, but…</p><p>“Scooch over,” Mikey says when Donnie doesn’t answer, and Donnie makes a noncommittal grunt and moves over to the wall, allowing Mikey to scooch under the blankets next to him. Turning onto his side, he watches as Mikey fingers through the different colored bracelets on his wrist, makes a split second decision and slides one off. “For you,” he says, handing it to him.</p><p>Donnie adjusts under the blankets, holds the bracelet in his grip, staring down at it. Mikey’s talking quietly but energetically. “Made it out of these old elastic bands I found in the closet. Dad says they were for face masks but if no one was using them then <em> I </em> could use em’, so I tie-dyed them all different colors, see? It’s purple, your favorite!” </p><p>Donnie holds the bracelet up to his eyes, sees the different shades of purple on the fabric, and promptly deals with the swell of emotion rising in his throat by clenching his other hand that was lying safely out of sight under the blankets. Mikey’s not finished. “S’ elastic, Dee. I was thinking, y’know, if you get the urges, you could - um, snap it against your wrist instead of giving into them?”</p><p>It’s so thoughtful and kind and <em> Mikey </em>that Donnie feels the tears coming and can’t stop them this time, melting into Mikey’s arms that were suddenly outstretched so embarrassingly quickly. </p><p>-</p><p>“Why are you awake?” Raph asks from behind him, and Donnie startles so hard he nearly spills his coffee all over his computer. Twisting angrily in his seat, he’s about to chew Raph out when he sees the expression on his oldest brother’s face. He looks <em>exhausted</em>, and the anger melts off of Donnie as he wonders if Raph had another night terror. Though they’d defeated Shredder (Big Mama got the award for surprisingly not being the biggest asshole of the year, that title went to Baron Draxum. <em> Fuck </em> that guy) they were all massively tired.</p><p>Donnie’s not kidding when he says massively tired, either. Mikey had thrown a goddamn <em> ship</em>. </p><p>“Couldn’t sleep,” Donnie replies truthfully. “Kept thinking ‘bout what we could have done better.”</p><p><em>And how much of it was dumb luck</em>, he wants to say, but keeps that bit quiet. Big Mama - and Donnie still can’t trust her with everything she’s pulled on them in the past - conveniently just had some <em>magic</em> item (scoff) to trap their mega evil mega strong enemy in, and they just <em>walked off </em>and let her keep it. Not to mention that Leo and Splinter had fucking fought in the Battle Nexus and somehow survived -  oh, Lord. Three days of literal hell.</p><p>“Y’know, this shit used to be fun,” Raph admits, crossing his arms and looking away. “Watching Leo cut up worms, slicing through paper origami men. Just...shit anyone can get down to, really. But we fought some - we fought a <em> monster</em>, Dee,” he finishes weakly. </p><p>“I know,” Donnie murmurs sympathetically. He’s still reeling from it all. “S’why I needed out for a bit. Leo over-exaggerating how he saved the entire plan when it coulda got him n’ Dad both killed, it’s - and Mikey -</p><p>“A <em>ship,</em>” Raph agrees, still sounding awestruck. “Just, I don’t know. Didn’t know when we started to grow up, yeah? And you - oh, Don, I feel so bad -</p><p>“M’<em>fineee</em>,” Donnie whines, ignoring the underlying meaning of that sentence. “Really. Since you guys found out it’s been getting better,” he motions down to the multiple bracelets Mikey’s given to him the past couple months, all varying in shades of purple. “Been clean for half a year, now.”</p><p>“I’m so proud of you,” Raph smiles earnestly. “Still not gonna stop me from being angry that you ditched everyone to come in here and work, though. Come on, Dee. Let’s go get something to eat.”</p><p>“Seriously? It’s…” Donnie checks his monitor. “It’s 3:07.”</p><p>“Yes, it is,” Raph says, and stares at him expectantly. Sighing exaggeratedly, Donnie saves his work and shuts his computer off. He <em> was </em> hungry, and a snack really couldn’t hurt.</p><p>-</p><p>Donnie leaps from one building to another, wind in his face, eyes stretched wide in almost childlike excitement as he takes in the carefree whooping and laughing of his brothers and older (adoptive) sister, feeling the energy coursing through his body. Life dogged them in every turn, of course. He had his bad days, he had his awful days, he had days where he couldn’t say a word. But there were also the days where - </p><p>Where he just felt so free, so happy, so in love with everything, with learning new things and new people and protecting his family - Donnie finds that there are a lot more of those days, now.</p><p>More of the days where his family has understood, and come to accept, the broken part of Donnie that he’d hidden for so long, back in that cramped bathroom. Leo with his dry humor and easy quips, Mikey with his childlike innocence and understanding, Raph with his protectiveness and bigness, and the way he made everything feel okay, and <em> safe</em>, and April - </p><p>Donnie glances up at the girl in pigtails riding the mechanic on his back, smiling softly. His very best friend, the girl he’d told himself over and over again that didn’t really need him, that prized his achievements and tech more than Donnie himself. He’d never been happier that he was wrong, that they -</p><p>That his <em> family </em> - </p><p>Accepted him for who he was. </p><p>“Dee, come on! Whoever catches up with Mikey first is totally getting the first slices of pizza, and by ‘whoever’ I mean me -</p><p>“Oh no, dear brother,” Donnie interrupts his twin, fist-bumping April before messing with his wrist mechanic for a split second, pleased when a satisfyingly loud hum comes from the engines around his shell. “Have fun with the last slice!” he yells over a shoulder as they take off, leaving Leo behind (who yells some very unflattering things after them). April’s screaming and laughing as they pick up speed and Donnie’s grinning as they shoot after Mikey and Raph, grabbing the pizza box from Mike’s unsuspecting hands. </p><p>He knows that nothing’s magically fixed. It wasn't realistic in the least.</p><p>But there, with wind whipping through his mask tails, with his family grumbling and running after them, with his best friend congratulating him on another job well done as they indulge in the first few slices while waiting for his brothers to catch up, </p><p>Donnie thinks it’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i wasn't actually going to add a final chapter to this but i wanted to end it on a happy note so um</p><p>thanks 4 reading &lt;3 if ur struggling with anything im definitely not the best person to take advice from but please keep fighting, i adore you and one day it WILL get easier, just get through one day at a time</p><p>if u wanna talk or any im cxlesstial on tumblr come say hi :-)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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